Love Blog - Men & Women’s Life After Eden

Myself, I am a rather confident person when it comes to approaching someone of the opposite sex and therefore I find the shy guys to be very cute. Their hesitation and lack of confidence only gives me more control and like many women - I love it. The shy people, however, don’t see themselves as cute at all! They often hate their shyness, because it makes them awkward and prevents them from fully enjoying intimacy or even enjoying themselves in an ordinary chat.

So how to overcome this? If your partner does not intentionally depress you, or on the contrary encourages your self-confidence, the only one who can help you out here is yourself (and, of course, this blog!). The problem is, ’shyness types’ vary, depending on personality. I know that some people are terribly shy in daily life, sometimes even unable to squeeze a word, but then, during the intimate moments they open up fully and you’d never tell they were so introverted the whole evening. Another type, which is “worse” for a long term relationship, is those who are over-confident in daily life and are totally shy and nervous when it comes to intimacy. In this case I’d say the person has some complexes and acts confident near others only for the purpose of concealing his fears.

All the people who can’t open up during intimacy have their own reasons. Fat people feel uncomfortable about their body (and prefer lights off), those who had past traumas or negative experiences allow these bad memories to cloud their current happiness, while others just see the word “sex” as dirty, and feel guilty or uncomfortable at intimate moments.

First of all, you should not feel guilty. What for? If we all will start feeling guilty about our libido and stop with this “dirty” activity, in a few decades from now we will only have animals left on planet Earth. So believe me, there is nothing “unnatural” about it. The guilty feeling we might have often comes from our childhood, when parents tried to prevent us from early sexual development, presenting erotic pictures as something bad or forbidden, and so called “self stimulation” was a totally dirty and unacceptable act. Okay, your parents did the damage and now, 20 years later, you feel bad about your sexuality. I believe there is nothing abnormal or “bad” in everything listed above, as long as it is not forced on anyone else and happens consensually behind close doors or when one is alone, without causing any disturbance to others.

The guilty feeling I am talking about is not always something we are even aware of, sometimes we just love our partner, know they loves us, yet we feel uncomfortable about intimacy, unable to relax, and consequently can’t enjoy or even give pleasure properly. The key to overcoming guilty feelings is re-considering your attitude to sex and everything related to it. We spend a few hours in bed with the person we love not for his or her pleasure, but first of all - we do it for ourselves. We do it as an expression of our love, passion and willingness to please the partner and if your partner is here with you, it means this will is mutual and you have no reasons to worry about anything, just go ahead with your desires.

Don’t worry about excess of weight, rather worry about personal hygiene and don’t neglect things like fragrance and attractive lingerie because THIS is what your partner will concentrate on, not the size of your waist. This applies to both men and women, because guys who for some reason feel inadequate about their body structure, should remember that woman will love you for what you do in bed, how you please her and how comfortable and welcome you make her feel, not for the actual shape of your body. Bear in mind, your partner won’t be as perfectly focused as he or she is in the office during the day. Passion blurs the mind and you can use it for your favour. You really have to just realize that shyness during intimacy will either lead nowhere, or will turn the most beautiful hours of your day into a 30-minutes “necessary” routine, which both partners will end up not looking forward to. Is that what you want? Because eventually your partner can start looking for someone else instead…

The best way to beat your shyness is by starting to act more openly towards your partner, until it will actually come natural to you. If you are truly introverted, the hardest thing for you could be an erotic talk. Men somehow manage to speak more easily than women, who sometimes are almost unable to say anything in bed or even talk about it after or before. The most important is to communicate in a fun and arousing manner, and not to turn the erotic talk into a list of clinical terms. Yes, some women are shocked and disguised from the so-called ‘dirty talk’, but you should bear in mind that most men (or women) love it a lot, and after all, learning to talk in such fashion in bed is no big sacrifice. Moreover, once you overcome your personal barrier and manage to do it a few times, there is a big chance that you will enjoy it yourself as well. Your bedroom should be free from any social barriers.

Communications during intimacy is essential, for both guiding your partner and helping him to do his job better and also it can higher the degree of arousal and bring the partners closer on a more deep level. Sex is all about communication. Good communication is good sex. The smoother is your communication – the smoother is your sex. Don’t be shy to flatter, don’t hesitate to make sounds and say what you want, feel or want to feel / do / receive. It may only be embarrassing for the first time, and don’t worry, you won’t shock your partner by moaning or telling him a little fantasy of yours, he’ll be happy to be of service.

You can practice alone, though most people will feel awkward and weird talking to themselves during self stimulation, (however, I do recommend giving it a try! You can talk to an imaginary partner, for example) but not holding the sounds inside, (which come naturally) - will already be a great step forward, as you will learn to relax, listen to your body and give in to your libido instead of depressing it. With your partner, you can start step by step. An “indecent” or “hot” talk over the phone or Internet when you both have privacy can teach you both to open up more easily and naturally, which later on will help you greatly when you are together. It’s simply ideal for shy people, because you can ask certain things, which you’re ashamed about face to face and you can describe your ideal love making to each other and talk about things you both want.

As unbelievable as it sounds, role-playing could be an ultimate way to overcoming shyness. Now you will ask, how can I play a whole erotic scene, switch roles or pretend someone I am not, if I can’t even let my partner look at me in full light? Very simple. You are shy as who you are, you are used to be shy and moreover - you want to live up to the established image of who you are in your partner’s eyes and afraid to shock by showing off a different side of yours. When you play a role - you are someone else. This “someone” can say dirty things which you, of course, would not ever allow yourself. Besides, doing something your partner might not like, or welcome, while you are “someone else” is not as crucial as doing it while you don’t “play” any role, because you can always blame it on being carried away with your little game. During role-playing, we wear a mask and allow ourselves activities which we normally might not even consider or can’t do in the first place. For instance, let’s say “Doctor - Patience” has always been your fantasy, but you can’t fulfill it because you are no doctor, nor going to act suggestive near any of the physicians you visit. Why not to pretend and play it with the partner you love and trust? This gives you an opportunity to pretend been someone else and do things you’d never do in any other situation nor maybe with any other partner.
If you are terribly shy and this whole intimacy or role-playing part just does not come easy to you, you can set a “schelude” with your partner, say - every Friday will be a “fantasies coming true Friday”. One Friday yours, and next week his. On such day you are “obliged” to tell about any of your really really sacred dreams, regardless how unacceptable they may sound, and your partner “has” to fulfill them. The idea is, a few times you might need to follow a fixed schelude in order to open up, but then at some point you won’t need the “fantasies coming true Friday” anymore, as you will be able to tell your partner about your thoughts, ideas and desires at any time of the day, any day of the week and face to face, without having to hide behind the phone.

Another aspect, where shyness can turn to a wall between partners during intimacy is inability to direct your partner. Let’s say he or she is doing something not exactly the way you like, or maybe not doing something, or overdoing… You often will feel uncomfortable “correcting” him or her, either out of shyness to express what you really need, or out of fear to hurt his feelings by saying he is not doing it good. Your partner won’t learn unless you guide him very specifically, because he is doing either what he thinks is good, or what achieved the desired effect on his previous partners. Whoever is the case, believe me, he will be happy to learn what you really like so he can please you in the best way he can. If you will say “Don’t touch me like this, please, it hurts”, it may offend him because giving negative feedback in bed is useless, give only constructive feedback, such as “Don’t apply so much pressure, please, it hurts”. The best way to “correct” and teach your partner would be to demonstrate what you want him to do to you - on him. This is yet another excellent technique for shy people, it won’t require you to talk and explain what you want, as you might get stuck there, and you can be very specific when kissing or touching his body, saying this is how you want him or her to do it. You both will enjoy the learning process, nobody’s feelings will get hurts and most important - you will get what you really need.

There are really plenty of ways to artificially getting rid of shyness, all these methods concentrate on breaking the social barriers in our minds and liberating our SELF.

Bottom line is - work on yourself, because without a little kick, your shyness won’t disappear, or maybe it will, when you have a long term relationship, but it can take years. Hope this little article will help you to make a few steps forward and to enjoy your new, confident role in the relationship - better. Good Luck!

One Response to “How to learn and overcome your shyness in relationship”

1. ross Says:
   July 26th, 2007 at 8:46 pm

   Building rapport is essential in any relationship too. Sometimes warming up with friends before talking to the opposite is very helpful too.

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