Archive for the 'Harmony' Category
If you will manage to memorize these tips, you will significantly improve the quality of your life, because you will be worried and stressed A LOT less. Don’t forget, life without stress means you will look better, sleep deeper, be more confident and… live longer
1. Prepare for the next morning in the evening. Prepare your breakfast and take out the clothes you are planning to wear, put on the table things you need to take with yourself.
2. Don’t trust your memory all that much, write important tasks-to-do on a paper and stick on the fridge, your wallet, computer or desk.
3. Do not say or do things, you’d have to veil or lie about later.
4. Make copies of everything that is important to you — keys, photos, CD’s etc
5. Delays are stressful. If you can do something today, do not postpone it for tomorrow. Eventually you will have a mountain of tasks and no time.
6. Make your plans ahead. Spontaneous life does not mean a worries-free life, especially when you face decisions.
7. If something does not work (clock, phone, computer) get it fixed or buy a new one, as putting up with broken accessories is stressful.
8. Always (if it’s not a date) try to arrive before time.
9. Always make a “just in case” plan. Things can go wrong at any time, with anyone, always have a plan B prepared, to set your mind at rest.
10. Don’t take small problems to heart. They happen, and not everything will always happen the way you want, just accept it.
11. Remember the rule of balance in the universe, if something bad happened, there is something good should happen as well. Get ready for the good news! Read the rest of this entry »
Following a wave of popularity, the common soy bean is gaining ground against popular petroleum based candle wax. For many years, candles have been one of the most popular gift items, Caterpillars Creations new 22oz Roly Poly Soy Candles appeal to those of you who search for a longer lasting flame in your candle. The extra large Wholesale Soy Candles are widely marketed by stores such as country natural markets, gift stores, farmer’s markets, as well as up-scale gift stores.
The best feature I personally like about such products is that these natural soy candles feature top-selling fragrances based on natural vegetable oil and not traditional liquid petroleum-based fragrance, we are used to get with regular candles. Caterpillars Soy candles can burn 3 times longer than petroleum candles, they have a charming scent which lasts for longer and can create an incredible atmosphere in the house — warm, aromatic and cosy…
I must say I was totally amazed by the amount of readers this blog gathers and want to use this opportunity to thank everyone for the kind comments and emails. One guy emailed me a couple of days ago and asked if I was planning to cover the ever-awe-aspiring “faking” subject and how a man can avoid facing it. Much as I was itchy to say “be good in bed and it will come”, I decided to touch this subject in this blog and hope it will be insightful for some of you to read.
Honestly, I am against faking though not for the moral reason. Faking an unearthly climax would boost your man’s ego tremendously, and that should be avoided! Sounds terrible, is it not? I see little point in letting your man feel that you get to 7th heaven when he just takes his shirt off. It takes more, and any women knows it, yet if he has more ego then experience, this is good timing to re-educate him a little.
- So, WHY women fake?
1. Because it “HAS” to happen. Because men expect them to climax and they don’t want to fail him. That’s pretty much a basic reason. After all, if we strip all the emotional intentions, we go to bed with only one purpose, and when there is no climax to either of the sides, BOTH end up disappointed, one physically (because he / she didn’t enjoy), and the other — emotionally (because he / she feels was not good enough and failed to satisfy). While it’s basically true – yes, it “has” to happen, it is not what happens in reality. Women know guys watch adult movies where girls have multiple orgasms, and assume they would compare it to real life. Women knows guys except it to happen and don’t want to appear frigid, less good then previous partners or just “cold” and not fun.
2. “Darling, I love you so much, of course I enjoyed!” Another good reason to fake. You love your boyfriend, you can tell he was trying hard but it just doesn’t happen and letting him know you hardly enjoyed would hurt his feelings, so to avoid it you will make a small play and everyone would be happy. Also, it’s important to remember that most men’s biggest concern before they go to bed with a girl is “will she have an orgasm with me?”, and if she won’t, they will think they failed. Since women are aware of that, they don’t want the partner they care about to think of himself as of a failure.
3. “Oh my god, it was so amazing! …can I go watch my soap opera now?”. Lastly, we all know that it won’t end until the girl sings, so sometimes it could be a good way to speed up the process, especially if the girl was not very eager to go for it first place. Various reasons such as alcohol, drugs, medicines, tiredness and other reasons could slow down or even prevent the great climax, and if the girl has some other (and more important) things on her mind yet still wants to keep her boyfriend happy, she will “sing” her aria asap and get back to what she wanted to.
- For men: How to avoid triggering her to fake?
1. “Hmm.. Still NO???” Okay, don’t ask this question. Stop inquiring every few minutes asking if it has finally goddarm happened. If you have been dating for a while, you would learn to tell if it happened or not by hear reactions, breath tempo, heartbeats etc…Asking about it would make her nervous, make her feel that she is failing you, you are so good and she is not appreciating it, it all takes too long, maybe previous partners of yours would have climaxed 10 times by now and she can’t even once… Girls’ solution? Let’s fake it!
2. “Gotcha! That was faked!!!” Well done, you found out. But, that is yet another sentenced you should not say. Let’s assume she faked and it was rather obvious, you will frown and let her know how displeased you are. And what? This sure won’t cause more pleasure, she will get more tensed next time, either trying to improve the faking techniques (and that is unwanted, right?) or it would make her even more uncomfortable next time. It will NOT help her to relax and try to reach the climax. I am not saying that you should encourage her to continue lying, but let her known in a very subtle way that you will do anything to please her, next time. She should be confident that you won’t chop her head off if she ever fakes it here and there.
3. “No darling, I do it ‘cos I enjoy it!”. This is a very blatant flattery; however, in theory 99% women would swallow it, and in practice — 100% will. Performing cunningilus on a girl and saying you don’t do it waiting for her to fiiiiiiinally climax, but because of you actually enjoy it yourself, will triple her pleasure and allow her to relax.
- For women: Some good reasons not to fake
1. First of all, there is nothing wrong with being hard to please. If you have a relationship based on mutual love you should not feel “uncomfortable” letting him know you need this or that, or it has to last longer or whatever else YOU need for it. If you ask for something in bed, the chances to get a “no” from a man are very slim (men could only dream it was same way for them!), so you should not be ashamed of your needs. He will be happy to learn how to please a girl he loves, believe me. Woman should demand her orgasm and teach her partner how to cause it, instead of faking it. Contrary to the common belief, his heart will not break if it won’t happen. In fact, you will trigger his hunter’s instinct and make him try harder and harder next time, unless of course you demoralized him totally. 
2. By faking, you train him to do the wrong thing. If you faked, the guy will think “Oh, now I know what to do to please her!”, and this won’t be true. If you plan a long term relationship and teaching him to do what you in fact do not like, he will have no reason to try anything else hoping to please you, because he already knows what “works” on you.
To sum it up, we all know that there is nothing like the REAL pleasure in bed, and faking it, makes partners happy only on the surface, and can even cause problems on the long run. Is your relationship worth taking this risk? After all, faking is just lying to the man you love…
It seems so tempting, to move in with the person you love, share everything, see each other anytime you like, and participate in each other’s routine on a daily basis. Sounds like a dream when you are in love?
Thanks is only because you are in love.
If you are slightly more down-to-earth, you will realize that moving in with the partner you love will automatically result in:
- Power Consumption
- Loss of Privacy and Private space
- Extra Cleaning (more of women’s concerns)
- Extra expenses (more of men’s concerns)
First of all, when you move to live together, “partners” or “lovers” will be just a word, someone has to be the head of the house. Who? And, would you agree on the position? Would you enjoy suddenly being ordered around in your own house, or will you enjoy having to carry the weight of responsibility for everything?
Secondly, your private space will disappear before you know it. All a sudden everything is shared and you cannot be certain weather or not a particular drawer will be opened and explored, so either get yourself a locker (very romantic, for a start) or just accept the fact that your privacy no longer belongs to you. Very annoying, by the way.
Thirdly, both men and women have their concerns. Girls understand that having a man in the house would mean a lot of extra mess (and don’t kid yourself, it WILL be a lot of extra mess, dishes, socks, and god-knows-what). Men on the other hand, know that landing an extra person would double the expenses. Unless you are both students who hardly manage to meet the ends, it won’t be very romantic nor convenient for a guy to ask his dearly beloved girlfriend to share the water bill, because.. “oh well, she uses it too, right?”.
Basically, you have to be very much on love, or very much open-minded if you decide to move together and hope this “move” won’t kill each others feelings. Because having someone you don’t 100% love under your very nose all the time is deadly annoying.
In a relationship, we may have 2 different types of partners — supportive, or challenging.
Supportive partners are the kind of those with who we can relax, be ourselves and still be accepted, loved and cared for. We don’t need to have a super sexy figure to be wanted, we don’t need to have extra qualities to beat the competition with others and most of all, we will always find the needed support from our partner’s side, regardless what we do, say or plan.
Challenging partners are there to torture us. Nothing is taken for granted and has to be “earned”. If you don’t have a perfect body you are likely to be replaced, if you don’t do certain things - you might end up in a trash can and, of course, if you do something wrong – meet your fate! So called “challenging partners” ceaselessly inspire us to be a better person, to achieve more, to climb higher, to outdo others and most of all - ourselves. We have to conquer the world in order to win our our partner’s love and esteem.
Sounds awful, are these the only options?
Sorry, but yes. However, most people are not so extreme; they won’t support blindly nor challenge blindly. In a good and established relationship you will mostly end up with a “supportive” partner who will accept most of your actions and support you in everything you do, rather than b**ch you and… oh well, “aspire you to be a better person” : -)
Despite being a psychologist, most of what I learn in life came through personal experience, and not through books and movies. When a certain situation takes place, I can analyze it with all the professional knowledge I accumulated, and learn from it.
The biggest share of all my knowledge came through my ex-boyfriend, to who I often refer as “The Master of my Dreams”. We had a long relationship and his very extensive understanding in psychology and psychiatry, together with loads of experience and some age advantage allowed him to practically enslave anyone emotionally. At that time it seemed natural to me, but looking back I assume he just knew what to do and how.
One of the most important things he “tought” me, was – there is no failure in relationship. He gave me a very confident feeling that I can’t fail him, disappoint him or displease him, and this confidence strengthened our relationship. Nothing can be better then when you can be yourself, knowing that no matter what crime you commit, HIS (her) love you won’t ever lose. This “method”, however, has a disadvantage for the other side:
- Of course your parter CAN disappoint you. Yes, he or she can, and probably will, if you are together for sometime.
Getting you bitter pill at some point is really unpreventable here. Two people from different families, with different past experiences and backgrounds trying to “match” their lives together… You both will cast each other down sometimes, these could be big or small failures, not living up to the expectations or anything else in between. But… It’s natural.
- So, does it mean I have to swallow everything and just move on?
No, of course not. By all means, let your parter know that you did not like what he did or on the other hand, did not do. If the disappointment was too deep, just leave this partner and seek another one, if, however, you love him / her and willing to accept it in order not to lose his or her love — be patient. Your sweetheart failed you, — make it clear to him what was wrong and more important what should or should not he do next time in order not to disappoint in the future. If your partner loves you and cares for you, he won’t do it again. Playing a poo-face for the rest of the century, or reminding him about it in every upcoming fight for the next millennium is wrong! Just put yourself in his place, what would change if you demoralize him over and over again about small mishap 5 years ago? He can’t re-write the history, he can only but learn the lesson and try to avoid it in the future.
Let your partner know that his or her mistakes can easily be fixed. This would give your lover a great deal of confidence and confidence leads to comfort and harmony in a relationship. You cannot achieve harmony if you have to be on your toes all the time, making sure you are “good enough”, especially if you occasionally get a reminded about how “bad” you were.
- Don’t forget to use your Joker any time.
Patience also gives you a big advantage here, sort of joker you can pull from your sleeve any time YOU disappointed your partner, and some day, at some situation, you might. If you have been a good and loving partner who let everything slide and is never angry for more than 10 minutes, never raises fuss around any displeasing subject, surely when something turns against YOU, you can demand an equal treat. You can easily put your partner back in his or her place if s/he unleashes his /her bitterness on you.
Why would this create a “desired slavery”?
Let’s face it, most women do raise a fuss about everything, they yell, get angry and remind their husbands about mistakes he made 20 years ago. And, let’s face it, most men don’t even know what patience is, and demoralize their girlfriends when something goes wrong. When you are in a relationship with someone who provides you with “100% No Failure Policy”, you feel welcomed, beloved, emotionally secure, and you won’t leave such a relationship, knowing that you won’t find such a treat anywhere else. And honestly, it’s really rare to find…
When it comes to dating and relationship, it’s very important to get to a point where you like your own life, enjoy it and its direction — before you start trying to include someone else in it.
Two of the biggest things people find attractive in potential partners are self-confidence and self-assuredness, both of which are the result of independent, enjoyable life. If you seek a partner only because of being lonely, then the fact that you’re lonely will make you come across in your partner’s eyes as desperate, and lower the ease with which you can get into a relationship as well as (maybe) the quality of the people you’ll be able to attract.
“Desperate” people (they don’t have to really be desperate, but as long as they appear to be “desperate”), may appeal to our pity, or on the contrary — to our sadistic nerve, but they will never make us respect them and highly value them.
If your social needs aren’t being met at the moment, then the best thing you can do it start working on achieving your basic (social) goals, so that you enjoy and benefit from full life, filled with goals you believe in, before taking the step of including someone else in your life route.
If you often ask yourself “What is he thinking of me?” or “What could I say?” or “How can I impress him/her more?” rather than “Wow, I am curious why he’s interested in this” or “I enjoy this chat so much” or even “This restaurant serves the best food!” — then you’re probably sinking in insecurity instead of actually enjoying yourself. You might hope your partner will not notice it, but anyone with at least 1-2 relationship behind his or her shoulders will easily spot hesitation, insecurity and fears that run across one’s heart. Such fears never attract anyone, let alone awake feelings of admiration and esteem, and it’s you who have to decide — do you want someone to stay with you out of compassion, or maybe achieving your goals first, reaching the level where you enjoy life and can share this joy is a better idea..?
And, if you think you are unhappy only because you have no love in your life, as harsh as it may sound — no, it’s not the reason. If your life is a satisfactory, you will enjoy it with or without a lover partner, or with this partner as well as with another. The joy of life comes from ourselves, it should, as depending your happiness and cheer on someone else could be… Dangerous.
One of the most important parts in a relationship, is to let your partner be whoever she / he wants with you. Men know that they are “supposed to be” strong and carry the weight of all the problems on their shoulders, while women know they are “supposed to be” nice and feminine and maintain a certain image in their partner’s eyes. These social barriers often damage the love relationship as our partner, be it a girl or a guy, are unable to relax in our company, and this has to be avoided. Your parter should know that in YOUR company, he or she could be whatever.
Like my favorite psychologist, Dale Cornegie said, “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” — and we should not forget that. Don’t let logic dominate in your relationship, and even if you are driven by logic and common sense most of the time, you have to remember that your partner, even if he is doing the same, has a lot of emotions under the mask of “logical decisions”, and these emotions need to break though sometimes.
Do not chain your partner in his / her own social obligations and manners, when you are alone, allow him to be whatever and whoever he wants with you, and he will appreciate and value our company more than anything else. If he can himself in your company (without having to play any role, and won’t be laughed at or demoralized), he will always prefer spending his time with you. Wouldn’t it be great?
While talking with my “real-life” and online friends about this subject, I was amazed to discover that many people have never given their partner a massage, nor received one. You have no idea what are you missing here!
First of all, from the medical point of view, massage is essential for simulating the blood circulation and improving lymphatic drainage for release of toxins. This is why natural sea wool (”tough”) shower sponges (or the ’saki’, Japanese massage sponges) are more recommended than the regular soft ones. This means if you did not enjoy the massage procedure as much as you maybe were hoping to, your body will benefit from it anyway.
Secondly, it is relaxing, and that’s also a fact. Massaging the shoulders and the back muscles releases the tension and refreshes you delightfully, however, unlike the Saki sponge in the shower, we can never do it properly to ourselves with the shoulders and back area, which is why we need to find a partner in life! 
Okay, now we know there is no harm it in whatsoever, only benefit, so why not to try? If it’s your first time ever, especially after been with a partner for a long time, I’d not recommend to ask your partner to give you a massage all of a sudden, better start by saying you want to massage his back. This is also better due to the fact that he might have a clue how to give a massage and this request can needlessly embarrass him, so give him the chance to learn from you first. He might be surprised or hesitate or even resist (which could be just because he is unwilling to step into unknown territory of activities), but you should insist anyway.
Make sure he is laying comfortably on his belly, so now you have to option - regular massage, or massage with a cream or oils. The problem with cream and oils could be that some men don’t always love cosmetic smells, strong ones in particular, and others just don’t like feeling greasy textures on their skin, so I’d not start off with them.
Start slow and gentle, without rush. Massage only achieves the goal of being pleasant and relaxing when it lasts for some time. There are thousands of massage tactics, though I always suggest to be guided by your instincts and do it the way you know your partner and think will please him. One rule of thumb, however, is not to overdo same motions for long period of time. For instance, it’s better to do motion A for 10 seconds, then motion B for 10 seconds and then motion A for 10 seconds again, rather than Motion A for 20 seconds. Combine different touching tactics, with various parts of your palm, applying different pressure, but don’t repeat the same motion for too long (unless you see it excites him, of course), otherwise it could becoming annoying.
If you do want the massage to “lead” to some other activity eventually, don’t concentrate only on the relaxation points of his back and shoulders, but also combine them with more spicy actions such as lightly running with your nails from his shoulders down to his spine or bending forward to massage his shoulders and let the bear upper part of your body touch his back, or simply occasionally bend forward to kiss hiss back, and kiss a several times heading lower and lower, then stop and continue patting his back. The varieties are really endless.
If you will manage to introduce him effectively to the body massage, and practice is occasionally, I can assure you this will add an extra dimension to your intimate life as well as bring you closer. Massage is not only a great foreplay FOR the foreplay but also a great way to dedicate time to each other and learn more about your partner’s body by caressing him allover and discovering his sensitive spots.
Your parter will probably suggest to give you kneading as well some time soon, assuming he enjoyed it, but if he won’t suggest it — does not mean he did not like the idea or does not want to give you pleasure as well. As I said, if your man don’t like to step on unknown territory, he would rather pass on it, than exhibit his lack of experience. Don’t judge by his shyness, and learn to explore his sensuality and help him to develop confidence in his actions. Every man is sensual deep inside, its up to his girlfriend / wife weather she will bring it to the surface and enjoy it together with him, or depress his every action.
What not to do? I personally am against any “don’t s” in bedroom, as long as both partners are okay with it, but let’s say I’d not recommend chatting away during this process, at least not a chat that will require much response from his side. Let him close his eyes and concentrate on his feelings and your hands, rather than on the conversation, so it’s better not to spoil the uniqueness of the atmosphere. Let him drift away in pleasure, without any disturbances.
Another thing I’d not suggest to do on the first massage session is to employ miscellaneous massage toys. Main reason is that you don’t really need them to provide a quality massage, believe me, your partner will always prefer the touch of your loving fingertips over a mechanic motion of some machine, accompanied by an annoying noise. Second reason is that like any intimate life accessories, it might scare your partner. Most men are open-minded (thankfully!) and would welcome anything new as long as it would spice up your activities, but unfortunately some men are shy and hesitant, so attacking them with new toys of any kind, be it a BDSM outfit, furry handcuffs or a simple back massager could archive an opposite effect - they will think it’s weird before they even tried, and worst of all - might think YOU are weird. Take it slow, don’t scare him with any accessories or/and your previous experience with them.
If everything went smooth and you both enjoyed it and started to practice it from time to time, with time you will need to add some zest to the process to avoid the it turning to a boring routine.
How to add some flavor to the massage? There are really countless options, about which you can learn either online from some lifestyle sites or from books which specialize in providing a comprehensive guide to caressing your partner in the best possible way. Some basic ideas: massaging the legs and the feet, adding body lotions and / or massage oils, massaging using some (non-massage specialized) tease-toys e.g. feathers, rollers, or whatever comes to mind. I will expand more about it in next post on this subject, which will focus on the more sensual side of the kneading.
Myself, I am a rather confident person when it comes to approaching someone of the opposite sex and therefore I find the shy guys to be very cute. Their hesitation and lack of confidence only gives me more control and like many women - I love it. The shy people, however, don’t see themselves as cute at all! They often hate their shyness, because it makes them awkward and prevents them from fully enjoying intimacy or even enjoying themselves in an ordinary chat.
So how to overcome this? If your partner does not intentionally depress you, or on the contrary encourages your self-confidence, the only one who can help you out here is yourself (and, of course, this blog!). The problem is, ’shyness types’ vary, depending on personality. I know that some people are terribly shy in daily life, sometimes even unable to squeeze a word, but then, during the intimate moments they open up fully and you’d never tell they were so introverted the whole evening. Another type, which is “worse” for a long term relationship, is those who are over-confident in daily life and are totally shy and nervous when it comes to intimacy. In this case I’d say the person has some complexes and acts confident near others only for the purpose of concealing his fears.
All the people who can’t open up during intimacy have their own reasons. Fat people feel uncomfortable about their body (and prefer lights off), those who had past traumas or negative experiences allow these bad memories to cloud their current happiness, while others just see the word “sex” as dirty, and feel guilty or uncomfortable at intimate moments.
First of all, you should not feel guilty. What for? If we all will start feeling guilty about our libido and stop with this “dirty” activity, in a few decades from now we will only have animals left on planet Earth. So believe me, there is nothing “unnatural” about it. The guilty feeling we might have often comes from our childhood, when parents tried to prevent us from early sexual development, presenting erotic pictures as something bad or forbidden, and so called “self stimulation” was a totally dirty and unacceptable act. Okay, your parents did the damage and now, 20 years later, you feel bad about your sexuality. I believe there is nothing abnormal or “bad” in everything listed above, as long as it is not forced on anyone else and happens consensually behind close doors or when one is alone, without causing any disturbance to others.
The guilty feeling I am talking about is not always something we are even aware of, sometimes we just love our partner, know they loves us, yet we feel uncomfortable about intimacy, unable to relax, and consequently can’t enjoy or even give pleasure properly. The key to overcoming guilty feelings is re-considering your attitude to sex and everything related to it. We spend a few hours in bed with the person we love not for his or her pleasure, but first of all - we do it for ourselves. We do it as an expression of our love, passion and willingness to please the partner and if your partner is here with you, it means this will is mutual and you have no reasons to worry about anything, just go ahead with your desires.
Don’t worry about excess of weight, rather worry about personal hygiene and don’t neglect things like fragrance and attractive lingerie because THIS is what your partner will concentrate on, not the size of your waist. This applies to both men and women, because guys who for some reason feel inadequate about their body structure, should remember that woman will love you for what you do in bed, how you please her and how comfortable and welcome you make her feel, not for the actual shape of your body. Bear in mind, your partner won’t be as perfectly focused as he or she is in the office during the day. Passion blurs the mind and you can use it for your favour. You really have to just realize that shyness during intimacy will either lead nowhere, or will turn the most beautiful hours of your day into a 30-minutes “necessary” routine, which both partners will end up not looking forward to. Is that what you want? Because eventually your partner can start looking for someone else instead…
The best way to beat your shyness is by starting to act more openly towards your partner, until it will actually come natural to you. If you are truly introverted, the hardest thing for you could be an erotic talk. Men somehow manage to speak more easily than women, who sometimes are almost unable to say anything in bed or even talk about it after or before. The most important is to communicate in a fun and arousing manner, and not to turn the erotic talk into a list of clinical terms. Yes, some women are shocked and disguised from the so-called ‘dirty talk’, but you should bear in mind that most men (or women) love it a lot, and after all, learning to talk in such fashion in bed is no big sacrifice. Moreover, once you overcome your personal barrier and manage to do it a few times, there is a big chance that you will enjoy it yourself as well. Your bedroom should be free from any social barriers.
Communications during intimacy is essential, for both guiding your partner and helping him to do his job better and also it can higher the degree of arousal and bring the partners closer on a more deep level. Sex is all about communication. Good communication is good sex. The smoother is your communication – the smoother is your sex. Don’t be shy to flatter, don’t hesitate to make sounds and say what you want, feel or want to feel / do / receive. It may only be embarrassing for the first time, and don’t worry, you won’t shock your partner by moaning or telling him a little fantasy of yours, he’ll be happy to be of service.
You can practice alone, though most people will feel awkward and weird talking to themselves during self stimulation, (however, I do recommend giving it a try! You can talk to an imaginary partner, for example) but not holding the sounds inside, (which come naturally) - will already be a great step forward, as you will learn to relax, listen to your body and give in to your libido instead of depressing it. With your partner, you can start step by step. An “indecent” or “hot” talk over the phone or Internet when you both have privacy can teach you both to open up more easily and naturally, which later on will help you greatly when you are together. It’s simply ideal for shy people, because you can ask certain things, which you’re ashamed about face to face and you can describe your ideal love making to each other and talk about things you both want.
As unbelievable as it sounds, role-playing could be an ultimate way to overcoming shyness. Now you will ask, how can I play a whole erotic scene, switch roles or pretend someone I am not, if I can’t even let my partner look at me in full light? Very simple. You are shy as who you are, you are used to be shy and moreover - you want to live up to the established image of who you are in your partner’s eyes and afraid to shock by showing off a different side of yours. When you play a role - you are someone else. This “someone” can say dirty things which you, of course, would not ever allow yourself. Besides, doing something your partner might not like, or welcome, while you are “someone else” is not as crucial as doing it while you don’t “play” any role, because you can always blame it on being carried away with your little game. During role-playing, we wear a mask and allow ourselves activities which we normally might not even consider or can’t do in the first place. For instance, let’s say “Doctor - Patience” has always been your fantasy, but you can’t fulfill it because you are no doctor, nor going to act suggestive near any of the physicians you visit. Why not to pretend and play it with the partner you love and trust? This gives you an opportunity to pretend been someone else and do things you’d never do in any other situation nor maybe with any other partner.
If you are terribly shy and this whole intimacy or role-playing part just does not come easy to you, you can set a “schelude” with your partner, say - every Friday will be a “fantasies coming true Friday”. One Friday yours, and next week his. On such day you are “obliged” to tell about any of your really really sacred dreams, regardless how unacceptable they may sound, and your partner “has” to fulfill them. The idea is, a few times you might need to follow a fixed schelude in order to open up, but then at some point you won’t need the “fantasies coming true Friday” anymore, as you will be able to tell your partner about your thoughts, ideas and desires at any time of the day, any day of the week and face to face, without having to hide behind the phone.
Another aspect, where shyness can turn to a wall between partners during intimacy is inability to direct your partner. Let’s say he or she is doing something not exactly the way you like, or maybe not doing something, or overdoing… You often will feel uncomfortable “correcting” him or her, either out of shyness to express what you really need, or out of fear to hurt his feelings by saying he is not doing it good. Your partner won’t learn unless you guide him very specifically, because he is doing either what he thinks is good, or what achieved the desired effect on his previous partners. Whoever is the case, believe me, he will be happy to learn what you really like so he can please you in the best way he can. If you will say “Don’t touch me like this, please, it hurts”, it may offend him because giving negative feedback in bed is useless, give only constructive feedback, such as “Don’t apply so much pressure, please, it hurts”. The best way to “correct” and teach your partner would be to demonstrate what you want him to do to you - on him. This is yet another excellent technique for shy people, it won’t require you to talk and explain what you want, as you might get stuck there, and you can be very specific when kissing or touching his body, saying this is how you want him or her to do it. You both will enjoy the learning process, nobody’s feelings will get hurts and most important - you will get what you really need.
There are really plenty of ways to artificially getting rid of shyness, all these methods concentrate on breaking the social barriers in our minds and liberating our SELF.
Bottom line is - work on yourself, because without a little kick, your shyness won’t disappear, or maybe it will, when you have a long term relationship, but it can take years. Hope this little article will help you to make a few steps forward and to enjoy your new, confident role in the relationship - better. Good Luck!